Does the ‘Vibe’ with Your Obstetrician Matter?

This is a question I’ve been pondering for the past several weeks. Does the “vibe” you have with your obstetrician and their team matter, or is it more about whether they can do the job?

Before I started IVF in 2024, I had already thought about what mattered to me. What I was looking for in a care team, and what would guide my decision. My priorities were simple. Are they reputable? Where are they located? And when I meet them, how do I feel? Am I comfortable? Do we gel?

That’s how I selected my IVF clinic. They were well known and had a strong reputation. They were also located near my job at the time, which mattered. Most appointments would be during the week, so being close to work was more important than being close to home. After a few initial appointments with both the IVF specialist and the IVF nursing team, I felt comfortable. That was enough for me to proceed.

The IVF process itself, at least in my experience, is structured in a particular way. You choose a specialist within the program, but most of your contact is with the nursing team. They support all patients going through IVF, regardless of which specialist you are assigned to.

The nursing team was fabulous. They were clear, organised, and kind. Overall, they were an absolute pleasure to work with.

I didn’t have a lot of direct contact with my IVF specialist. We had some initial and follow-up appointments, but most communication came through the nursing team. When it came to my egg collection and first embryo transfer, my specialist was away, so other specialists stepped in. Then, after that, they were present at the next two embryo transfers.

In total, I probably saw my specialist around ten times, or just under, since starting IVF. When I became pregnant the second time, I was asked about an obstetrician for ongoing care. Naturally, as my specialist was also an obstetrician, I thought I would stay with the person who had been there from the beginning.

I still feel fortunate to be under the care of someone with so much experience. They have an excellent reputation, and I’ve had people mention them from all different areas of my life — work colleagues, a neighbour, even my real estate agent. It gives you a sense that you are in safe hands.

So what is the issue?

For me, it’s the vibe.

Now that I’m pregnant, I no longer have any interaction with the IVF nursing team. Instead, I work directly with the specialist’s team. And while they are not unpleasant, there are small things that, over time, have started to add up.

I’ll give an example.

IVF involves a lot. Appointments, blood tests, scans, medications, phone calls, and waiting. You follow instructions closely, and you learn to be patient. Which I did throughout IVF. No issues.

During my current pregnancy, there was a point where I thought I was miscarrying again. It was around the same stage as my previous miscarriage, and based on what I was experiencing, it felt very likely. I’ve written about this in another post. It was an awful experience. The clinic was closed, so I contacted the hospital. That experience wasn’t great, and I’ve spoken about that in a previous post.

By the next morning, I hadn’t slept. I was emotional, stressed, and anxious. I contacted the specialist’s office as soon as they opened. They asked me to come in for a scan at their rooms. The problem was the location. It’s about an hour each way. I explained that I wasn’t feeling well and didn’t feel safe driving that distance. I suggested an alternative — a local ultrasound clinic.

That didn’t go down well.

They pushed back quite a bit, but I held my ground. It was the first time I had pushed back on anything throughout IVF and pregnancy. Safety had to come first, and I had offered an alternative.

I went to a local clinic that day, and then the following day I drove in to see my specialist. But the situation didn’t end there. Over the next few appointments, there were comments from the team. One person asked, “Have you been behaving yourself?” Another said they know “I’m the one to watch.”

I don’t think it came from a bad place, but it did feel a bit over-opinionated. I get the sense that sometimes, when you see so many patients, the line between being familiar and overstepping can blur a little. Either way, it didn’t sit well.

And that’s where things started to shift for me.

Then, with my specialist, despite their experience and reputation, I feel a lack of connection. It doesn’t feel particularly warm. I go in, it’s pleasant enough, but it feels a bit robotic. And I do recognise that I am someone who values a level of connection. I also understand that this isn’t necessarily their role. Their role is to provide excellent medical care, to keep both the baby and me safe, and to guide the process. And I believe they will do that.

But even knowing that, something still feels off.

There’s a part of me that feels disappointed. Like I’m missing something. I hear other people speak so positively about their experiences, and I wonder if I’ve expected too much from something that isn’t essential.

When everything is new, it’s easy to come in with expectations. I don’t know what support is meant to feel like during pregnancy. Maybe those expectations need to shift. Maybe what matters most is the quality of care.

I don’t have a clear answer to the question.

But I do know this — the “vibe” might not be the most important thing. Still, it’s not nothing either.

📖 There are a lot of decisions to make along the IVF path.
I created a journal to help work through them — you can take a look here.